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July 12th, 2018

09:37 am
It's been 6 days since my dad passed. I keep expecting to miss a call or text from him, or to be able to just call him up. And then I remember it isn't just that I haven't talked to him for a few days. It's that I will never physically converse with him again.

I've always believed that the 7 days after someone dies is their time to handle any unfinished business. Usually a person who dies will come to their loved ones in a dream within those 7 days to pass on any message that they want to send their ones earth-side, or clear up miscommunications they may have had.

2 nights ago, my dad came to me in a dream.

We were in a church. It was a large building, spacious inside and slightly reminiscent of a Catholic church with its high ceilings, but I am fairly certain my brain was relating it to the way Kings Way looked, because it also had plush purple chairs rather than pews.

My dad was sitting three rows up from the back. I was sitting in the last chair of a row that lined the wall. I could see him but he couldn't see me. The preacher up front (who I assume was Pentacostal from the way and the message he was preaching) was being heckled by my very ornery Rabbi father. He used to say how the Bible was milk for babies, whereas the Torah was meat for the masses, so he was essentially giving the preacher a hard time over his subject matter, comedy-club style. All in good fun though.

The service took a break halfway through. People were milling about and I got up to go look for my dad since I lost sight of him once everyone stood up. I ended up running into Jonathan Settel, who is a Judaica singer who my dad really loved and admired. I asked him if he was available to sing at my dad's memorial service ANYTIME beyond July 29th (since Tina swears that's the ONLY TIME they can do the memorial and I will be out of the state on that day). He said yes, he'd be back in 3 weeks. I then turned to her with a "See? TOLD YOU we can do it another day when I will actually be in town" look. Obviously my brain was registering that he had passed, even in the dream. However, it was not registering that it was strange that I was seeing him in front of me a few minutes prior. After Jonathan walked away, I turned to Tina and asked where my dad was, and had she seen him. She said "No. God probably put a bug in his ear" and I said "What? What do you mean a bug?" and she said "Yeah, you know. God puts a bug in someone's ear that they are about to pass. He probably went home to die on his own." I looked at her and was like no. He wouldn't do that. He didn't want to be alone when he passed, so he certainly wouldn't sequester himself during those final moments. I ran outside (I still had my real legs) and was yelling for him. Nowhere to be found. I ran over to my car, which was a white Jeep Chereokee. This is funny because last time he and I were in a really good spot in our relationship, at our BEST point when he first moved back, my car I owned was a white Chereokee.

I got in the car and when I turned it on, the radio came on. For some weird reason it was on a church station, like a preaching station. The preacher was talking about his congregation and how he had people ask him about death and the afterlife. He said:

"Now, I've had my flock in the past come to me with concerns. Concerns like "But how will my loved one know I made it? How will they know I am safe? And that I love them? How can I get that message to them? Well, friends, I am here today to tell you: Your loved one is safe. They are at peace. They made it and THEY LOVE YOU.".

The dream ended abruptly and I immediately woke up and burst into tears because I KNEW it was from him. He told me he'd send me a sign if he could, that he was okay and let me know he loved me. That was my sign.

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May 6th, 2018

06:21 am
Where do I start. So many, many things have happened in 3 years. I moved into a new house off Old Bayshore in 2015 with Lyndsey and got married (again) just to end up divorced (again) and disabled. In a wheelchair. No legs. Pulling over on I75 is apparently a bad idea. I am cAm in a new relationship now with Elizabeth. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my time and energy and life and people who were bad for me. Just like I posted in one of the recent posts- I am worthy of being loved. Unfortunately I tend to invest energy in people who don't have the same expectations and desires for their relationships. And it has all come together for me now, seeing how my "family", Lyndsey, and MIKKI bonded together because they all have a common dislike for me. Birds of a feather. I used to feel bad that I was a black sheep in my family, and that I never quite "fit in". Now, I take it as a point of pride. I don't want to be anything like any of those people to the point that they "accept" me. If they do, that tells me that I seriously need to reevaluate the way I am living my life and the type of person I am becoming. I can't live any way but authentically. If that leads me to have to cut off relationships, whether they are marriages or not, then it is what it is. I am not someone who can just accept mediocre. I can't accept someone putting in less than me on a daily basis. I understand that every day will not be both partners giving 100%- some days it'll be 70/30, some 50/50, some 80/20. I know this. But I need a partner who knows this, too, and realizes that sometimes they will be the one having to but in 70 or 80%. It can't just be me. Elizabeth is that person. She is so much better at the relationship thing than I am- she is patient and kind and understanding. For some reason, when she tells me she loves me, I believe it. The conviction when she says it is different than anything I have ever experienced. SHe chose to be with me, despite having 5 kids and being newly disabled. She didn't have to-she could have walked away, but she didn't. She chose me, and even though I was scared and it was hard to do, to jump into that abyss without knowing if she would be there to catch me, I chose her too. It has been almost 2 years (Oct 2016) since we started talking and it morphed into something beyond anything Disney could have dreamed up. I tell her all the time that I wish we could have been together sooner, but we both know that the Universe was preparing us through our life experiences and hard stuff, to be able to be the best partner to the other that we could possibly be. WE couldn't have been to one another back then what we are to one another now. There is so much love in my life that sometimes I can hardly believe it's real. I love that she loves the kids so much, in spite of them not being biologically hers and having only been present for a little while. She studied them, and continues to want to learn things about them and be with them. It hasn't faltered, the shiny and new feeling hasn't worn off for her like it did with Lyndsey and the girls. She legitimately wants to know them as people and spend time with them. That just makes me love her even more.

Michael and Nikki are still up to their silly bullshit and they probably always will be. I've given up hoping that if she has another baby they will focus on that and start acting like adults. They've made their way now, through Ambra and Chris, my mom and Larry, Aaron, Lyndsey, and tried for my sister but at least she has half a brain. I don't know why they are so miserable that they have to insist on inserting themselves in my life and collecting people from my discard pile. Maybe because Nikki is bored and unhappy and it makes her feel better to try and hurt people-specifically me. Jealousy is a real bitch and makes people do crazy things. I just hope one day she grows up. My only hope and prayer is that the girls see and realize that they way she lives her life is not authentic, or kind. The things she says and does are not okay. They are already to the point where they don't want to be over there and it breaks my heart because I know they love their dad. He is just so out of touch with what is actually happening in their lives, and THEY WERE HERE FIRST. Before Nikki. Before their son. Our daughters were here first, and they still need him and he refuses to be present.

All I can do at this point is try to be there for them, both Elizabeth and me. And love them through all the shit so that it sticks and one day they wake UP and see they made it through the garbage and it was because we are there for them. I hope they grow up and love their dad to pieces but realize that there is only so much he can offer them because there is only so much he is willing to give. If he wants a shallow relationship with them, then so be it. He is welcome to that. I want something more with my kids.

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July 20th, 2015

02:50 pm - SUCCESS!
This past month has been quite amazing. Specifically the past week. In this past week, we received the paperwork for our new home, with option to buy in there as well.

Saturday, I went for an meeting/interview with the owner of a spa and salon in Merchant's Crossing. It turns out she wants much more than an employee. She offered me, basically, a leadership role in her spa. She wants me to take over the entire spa therapies aspect, which means I get to order what I want, use what I want, work when I want... I can hardly believe my luck! This, on top of gaining two new clients for massage. So I have 3 "regular" clients now!

I feel like this is what is supposed to happen when you begin doing what you love to do, what your passion is, instead of listening to others who say it is not a good idea and you should not do it. I love this feeling of taking control of my own life. I love knowing that I did this. I have made it this far, and regardless of the bad things, the rough spots, I am still standing. It was so rough there for awhile. It still is, with the Michael/Nikki issues, but those are not every day things, so I can handle them in spurts. ANd as long as I keep doing what I love, and trying to be a good person, I have a feeling I will still be standing even when the waters get choppy again. I just want to bottle this feeling. I want to be able to recall the way it feels to be this buoyed, and use it to revive myself when the waters get rough again (since that is life, and they will) and remind myself that this too shall pass, and the euphoria you experience when you make it through to the other side is TOTALLY worth the ride.

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July 17th, 2015

11:29 am
I always enjoy going back and reading previous posts.

My life is so different. So incredibly different now. I went from a loveless marriage into a relationship that proved love is real. I can love. I am worthy of love. I have things about me that are not the greatest, but I also have really great things about me, too. And now I have someone who is willing to take the good with the bad. I am so much calmer, and happier. I can't imagine feeling the way about her that I felt about Mike when we were married. Looking back, I REALLY wanted nothing to do with him. We never should have gotten married to begin with, but I know it was a necessary evil, in order to end up with my baby girls. I would never have a child while not married to someone. So for that I will always owe him.

I still struggle with Mike. He has a new wife now, who likes to make things as difficult as possible for me, personally, and enjoys creating strife between he and I when we actually had a really decent friendship going. I am afraid that as long as she is around, he and I will never be able to co-parent the way we should be able to, for the sake of our children. She is pregnant, due in AUgust. So maybe once their baby gets here, things will ease up. Or she will get tired of his crap (or vice versa) and they will split. Here's hoping.

I've grown up a lot the past few years. I have very low tolerance for bullshit anymore. My mom (once again) is not in my life. I've grown so accustomed to her absence, that I told her this time to just stay gone. Lose my number, forget we are related. I just can't do her back and forth anymore. Same with Steve. I can't be around someone so negative and hateful all the time, and so judgmental of other peoples' choices. He was in the hospital recently. I almost went and saw him, just in case he did actually die. But he didn't, of course. Mean people live the longest. Now he is back home with Tina and the kids. Matt is living there, too. Hopefully, he stays out of jail and away from drugs and does something productive with his life.

Really, right now, I am just focusing on me and mine. My life is really looking up. My kids are beautiful, smart, and healthy. We are moving into a new farm house on land that is rent to own, so we NEVER have to move again. I have a good job, I have finished school. I am making my life what I have always wanted it to be. For awhile it seemed like it was really dark, and I was never going to make it out. But the rain stops eventually. I just need to keep pushing through when it gets like that. And with my amazing family and awesome friends by my side, I know I can do anything. Life is only going to get better.

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May 17th, 2013

10:23 am
I am stuck. I am going to be stuck in this ridiculous circle of bullshit forever. I am in a marriage that only resembles a marriage. I have a roomate with whom I share two children. I have no sex, no passion, hardly any help, and a miniscule amount of "feelings" left for the man I married 6 years ago. What was I thinking? WHY did I get married? Marriage is just a big fucking joke. It ruins everything. It's unneccesary in the grand scheme of things. I didn't need to get married to have my babies, I didn't need to get married to be happy. Why did my parents not talk me out of this? What is the PURPOSE of marriage, anyways? Boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy, and vice versa. Boy and girl and parents spend god awful amounts on wedding. Boy keeps fucking up because he has a hardon for everyone BUT girl. Girl wants sex more than air or water, but boy would rather talk nasty with other people. Girl gets fed up and sleeps with ex boyfriend, enjoying the best sex she's ever had. Boy finds out and a really rough year ensues. Girl and Boy finally come to a tentative peace, but all girl can think about is getting laid, because Boy can't fucking keep it up. Girl is THISCLOSE to going and having sex with someone else (anyone else) as long as they can keep an erection.

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November 28th, 2011

10:26 am
The echo of your lips
The ghost of your touch
The smell of your skin
And the curve of your smile
Haunting me, haunting me
Let me go.
Please don't let me go.
This beautiful pain
It's like a drug
Is the rush worth the price of the crash?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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October 28th, 2009

01:25 pm
LiveJournal said that I last updated 64 weeks ago. Sixty-fricken-four. It's been over a year, and I've been too busy to get on and write. God. Anyhow...no one even reads this, and that's fine. It's more for my mental sanity anyhow.

In the past year, I've been through a lot. I've added yet another child to my mommy roster. I'm done! For sure. I've got my two girls, and I am happy.

Mike and I continue to battle the ups and downs of marriage everyday. Sometimes, it's such a struggle. It's not that I can't see myself with him 40 years from now...I can. It's just the getting to that 40 years that is going to be the hard part. I love him to pieces, but sharing your life with someone, day in and day out, accepting everything about them whether you like it or not...it takes a toll on you. He swears to me he never wishes that I wasn't around (even though I know I irritate the bejesus out of him) but sometimes I wonder...does he really love me enough to stick around for the rest of his life? What if he just gets too irritated living with me to stay anymore? What if he meets someone else who makes him happier than I can? It's not like it never happens. I mean, sometimes even I am like, I can't do this anymore! I just want to be by myself, and live my own life. Then I look at him playing with the girls, or he does something really sweet, or even just brings me a glass of water when I haven't asked for it, and I realize: It's not that I don't want to be with him anymore. I would die if I didn't have him in my life. I know I pretend I could get on without him (and if need be, I could pull myself together eventually) but I would honestly have a period where I was just in pieces.

I think I just get really overwhelmed with feeling like I am never alone, and at the same time, AlWAYS alone. He's always at work, or sleeping, and I am run down from handling two kids under 2 by myself. THat's what I mean by always alone but never alone. Everyone always needs SOMETHING, and it's just one thing after the other. By the time I get one down for nap, the other is up and raring to go. I'm just...tired. Really, really tired. He really does try to help me as much as he can, though. I give him that. I wouldn't change my life; I love it. I just didn't picture it this way 5 years ago. I thought I'd be done with school and have a great job before undertaking the family thing. But it's probably better this way, anyhow. It's less upheaval to add school to the mix than it would be to add family to the mix if I were only in school. haha. Being a mother has definitely taught me how to multitask!

Ah. Baby is crying. Off to the real world! Maybe I will get around to updating again sometime this year!

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July 30th, 2008

04:38 pm
SO, here I am, writing for what is really no reason at all, since everyone I know is on myspace. Oh well.

I've spent the past 3 months helping my dad and stepmom and siblings arrange things so they can move down from Washington to here (finally). So, I've been running my stepmom and sibs around with my cranky toddler in the backseat for 4 days trying to get them squared away for school and such, and I am really starting to feel resentful. I went out of my way to find furniture and refurb it all for the kids' rooms, and find what they told me to find, adn it seems as though it still wasn't enough. My stepmom keeps harping on the fact that they "really need to find this, or that, or this" and I don't think she is meaning to, but she is making me feel as though my efforts were futile. I've done NOTHING for anyone but them for nearly 3 months now, I've killed myself trying to get their house ready for them, and she keeps harping on what my dad might say about the dining room table being so small. To me, that is pretty ungrateful.


And I have to fill in at the daycare tomm. and Friday because my brother in law is a piece of lazy crap, and a horrible boss.


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October 16th, 2007

01:52 pm - update
I have no clue why I am bothering to write in here. I guess it is b/c I have one and I hate to think it is going to waste b/c of my Myspace obsession.
My life is going really well, I guess that is all I have to say. I stay home with my daughter every day, make sure things are clean and kept up with, that the bills are paid, and that dinner is on the table for Mike when he gets home. I chill with my friends, go out when I want, and really have a grand old time.

Life is good, bitches. Life is good.

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November 23rd, 2006

05:23 pm - New post......
It's been a few months since I posted, but I figured I would just for shits and giggles. I'm not really on here much anymore (MySpace has taken over my life) but for those who do still care enough to read this.....this is for you!

I only have 9 weeks left of my pregnancy. That is absolutely insane. It is a girl, and her name is Avalon Jade (Ava, for short). So, in 9 more weeks (possibly less!!) I will be a full-time mom, and Michael a full-time dad. He's going to be a wonderful father; he's so great with kids, and has so many siblings, like me.

My life has been awesome and on the right track ever since I started dating and married Michael. And to think I almost missed out on this amazing love. I never knew that it was possible to care so much about someone else's feelings more than your own, and actually WANT to put their desires above yours. AND, to want to be faithful to someone....that is new for me. I've gotten bored and unhappy in past relationships, and quit caring about that person and wanting to do what made me feel good at the time. I can't even IMAGINE wanting to be with anyone else, ever. The thought of it makes me sick. He works so hard and puts so much effort into making me happy that I can't help but want to do the same for him. Our lives are amazing, and we are amazing together.

We're moving into a four bedroom house when our lease is up in March at our apartment, which is great because there will be SO MUCH more room for us, our dog, our cat....and our new baby. It's in NFM instead of the Cape, which is GREAT, b/c I hate the Cape. Even tho we live in a good part of it (Off Coronado) people are just too damn nosy out there. SOOOOOO...things are winding up! My life has begun.

And for the first, and only time in my life, I am happy.

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